Have you ever had your heart drop? Yesterday, my heart dropped twice. Not the, “Boo! I got scared!” type of heart-dropping. But the, “oh no, what have I done? How did I do that? Who have I hurt?” type of heart drop.

This has only happened a few times growing up. Silly enough, all of my heart-dropping situations have occurred via text messaging, emails, Facebook messages, etc. Two of those times were in college. I had been upsetting someone for the whole school year, but I did not hear about it until finals week before summer vacation. I found out through a round of upsetting text messages. We are friends now, but at the time, I was crushed and really quite worried that she’d never speak to me again. The issue was cleared up, and I am grateful.

Another time was when someone became upset because they thought I had “copied” their engagement ring. I received a message via Facebook and a prompt unfriending (still trying to figure that one out since I did not pick out my ring and my husband did and does not even know the person…). Needless to say, that is still not resolved and I still scratch my head wondering if there was something else that prompted her to be upset.

Yesterday, I received one of those heart dropping text messages. It was anonymous (because I didn’t have their phone number).

To give background, I posted a video with my thoughts about it. It did not come out very clear. A friend was kind enough to bring it to my attention. I removed the posting from Facebook and wrote a status of apology for not communicating clearly and for any hurt that was caused. And I attempted to clarify what I was trying to say.

Late last night, before Eric and I were to head into a meeting, I received a text message. In this instance, the person told me that there is no compassion in my heart, that they had blocked me, and that they were scared of me. I do not have this person’s phone number and when I tried to ask them what exactly they were referring to or who they were, they did not respond. When I asked to meet in person and discuss the matter, again, no response.

Now, I am not telling you this to gossip or to vent – I don’t even know who the person is and I have done my fair share of tears and venting to my husband – but I write this to give you a set up for what my day was like yesterday and how I woke up this morning. I fell asleep thinking about what had happened. I dreamt about what had happened. I cried. I woke up and that feeling would not go away. My post was to show support to people I love and care about, not hurt them. But, thats what happened. I do not know if I was right or wrong in God’s eyes or even in human standards, but I definitely felt bad for what I had caused people: pain and confusion.

This morning, as I was laying in bed trying to will my body to move, I could not wait to read the Word. I kept thinking about the grace Jesus had lavished on me. He was mocked, beaten, bruised, and crushed for things he did not do. He did not even get a chance to proclaim his innocence. Nor did he really try because he knew his goal. He knew Judas was going to betray him, yet he loved him anyways…deeply.

Today, I was set to read 3 John. I open it and verse 11 said:

“Beloved, do not imitate evil but imitate good. Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God.” 

I opened to Psalm 66:16-20:

“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what he has done for my soul. I cried to him with my mouth, and high praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, because he has not rejected my prayer, or removed his steadfast love from me.”

Both of these verses calmed and reassured my soul in different ways. I need to imitate good – which is Jesus. Regardless, if I was right or wrong, I need to love everyone. I need to love the person who questioned my compassion and did not give me a chance to defend myself. Jesus had no chance to proclaim his perfect innocence. I could find several ways in which I was wrong yesterday so even if I had the chance to defend myself, I would still be guilty of something. Love. I need to not harbor bitter feelings toward that person and love them like Jesus loved the people who were falsely accusing him and who beat him and killed him.

Then in Psalm 66…God has not rejected my prayer. He has not removed his steadfast love from me. Even though I sin on the daily, he is there to pick me back up and rescue me. He’s there to redeem my soul. He’s there to bring me back to him. He is there to love those who I did not love well. I am so grateful that grace of God is just that, grace. It is undeserving. I do not deserve it. That makes mornings like this morning turn around in an instant.

Of course I wish to reconcile that relationship that has been broken. I really wish I knew who they were so I could even speak to them about it. I am thankful that I do not need their forgiveness, though, because the savior has given me forgiveness a billion times over. Even if I never get the opportunity to reconcile with them, Jesus has already reconciled for me and that is reassuring and brings me peace.

Now…if I could only remember to think about the grace he has given me immediately when something arrises, I think things would be much better in my life. Instead, I let the issues of yesterday ruin my evening, my sleep last night, and my morning.

Thank you Jesus for hearing my cry and your STEADFAST love! Thank you for your word to remind me of TRUTH. Thank you for your victory over sin and death so that one day I can live with you pain-free. Soon and very soon!

To be continued…