There is a song that I just love by Brad Paisley entitled “Then.”

The song talks about the girl he is in love with and how the first night he saw her he was “mesmerized” by her. He sings about each step in life with her and how after each step he says, “I thought I loved you then.” He talks about his future with this woman and all the milestones they will soon reach and then sings one of my favorite lines: “What I can’t see is how I’m ever gonna love you more, but I’ve said that before”

I used to sing this to a man and meant it when I sang it. But, as time has gone by I realized now how this song would better be sung in light of the fact that down the line, those relationships end (whether by death or a sever in the relationship of whatever sort). I am not trying to be debbie-downer – bear with me.

I was singing it this morning to myself and was thinking how I could say that line to the Lord at each milestone of my life that I have crossed: “I thought I loved you then.” My whole life, since I stood in the corner of my family’s kitchen with my brother leading me in the sinner’s prayer, I have said that I loved the Lord. But, with each year that passes, I understand more and more about who I am as a person (sinful to the core) and my deep, deep need for a savior to cleanse me of all of my sins. Each time I step one foot into the word or take a look at my life, I realize how great God is and how helpless I am without Him.

As I spent my time singing that song about a relationship that was soon fleeting, I can look back on my life to a relationship that is unfailing and will never end because that relationship is led by the Lord who is perfect, who is everlasting, and who will never fail me. The Lord has governed and led my life with goodness and faithfulness. He has never led me anywhere that was too difficult for me to handle, but promises me that through His strength, I can do all things. My outlook on that fleeting relationship was wrong; that love would increase in time as it should, yes, but it was not the end-all of my life. My life is worth so much more than a fleeting relationship or crush on a guy. I can deeply love as a human being to other human beings, but it must be in the appropriate view of who I am in comparison of who God is. God is the one who will never fail me, not some guy or even my friends. I view people in this sense and love them with a love that Christ loved me: in humility, grace, and forgiveness. I pray that in the future after the moment that I press the “publish post” button that I can live out what was written above to the glory of God.

I desire to love deeply with another human being, but I desire to love the Lord even deeper. I desire to understand better who Christ has made me to be and to live that out to the fullest. I desire to look at my sin, the ugly, disgusting, and grotesque sin, that is in my life and be able to see better the grace that the Lord has lavished on me. I pray that this can become possible in my life.

To Be Continued… =)


Side note: To make this clear, by posting about past relationships I have been apart of, in no way am I pointing out failures of those individuals in order to make myself look better. I am just as sinful as the next person and need the grace of Christ just as much if not more than they do. The severing of those relationships has been more my fault than any one of theirs. I hope that those reading this blog can look at my past relationships and not see failure, but can see them as I see them: governed and ruled by the Lord for his glory even despite my faults and sins within them.