Category: Wisdom

Jackson is 7 weeks today… Can’t even believe it! Enjoy this (extremely long) part II post of Jackson Charles’ Grand Entrance…

Most people have only one “leaving the hospital” experience after their baby is born…I had two.

My expectations that I had going into my labor and delivery that I mentioned in Part I definitely did not have this included in it. All 24 hours after Jackson’s birth, I was dreaming of being in my own bed to sleep, to take a shower in my own shower, to eat my own food, and to not be disturbed every two hours to take vitals.

Welp, God had a different plan.

On Wednesday, February 4th, the day we are to be released to go home, I started to get extreme chills. I remember asking for extra blankets in the hospital bed and still shaking like a leaf. The night before, while sleeping, I remember waking up extremely sweaty. That should have been a clue to me that something was not right with my body, but I think I just assumed that with all the trauma my body just went through and the crazy amount of hormones surging through my body, that the chills and sweats were normal. Come to find out, that was not the case.

We pack up everything. I change Jackson into his “going home” outfit. I take a shower and trade my hospital gown with real clothes and try to figure out how to get dressed with the crazy new “underwear” and mass amount of pads they give you to wear (which are completely necessary after the trauma you just went through). Eric takes down all of our bags and things and pulls the car up.

We get all of our paperwork in order, and they wheel me down to the car with Jackson in my arms. Please note the swollen, waterlogged face… so glad that is gone!!

Disclaimer: I wrote the beginning of this post back when Jackson was just a week old. He is now 6 weeks old. Mommyhood pushes things back a little bit… 🙂 I am now finishing this post with a 6 week old baby laying on me…enjoy!

“Children are not distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.” – C. S. Lewis

We’re a week and two days into our new life with a child. What an experience! The love I feel for this little eight pound six ounce creature is overwhelming. To put it into words would be impossible. He is such a sweet, calm baby – we are so blessed.

As with all things in life, I had so many expectations for my labor and delivery. I tried my best to have none, but in the back of my head, they were there.

One of my expectations was to have a spontaneous labor and to go into labor when I was 4 or 5 cm dilated. And, I thought that is what we were doing when we went into the hospital.

The morning we went into the hospital, I was at HR Block taking care of our taxes. During the appointment, I kept having back pain. I then realized that I was having back pain every 5 minutes. I started keeping track. After the appointment, I called Eric and had him come home. We went on a walk to the beach and back, and the contractions continued. We called the hospital and told them we were on our way.

At the hospital, ready to get the party started!

Last preggo picture!

We get to the hospital and get put on the monitors to see how Jackson’s heart rate was and the closeness of my contractions. As they were watching Jackson’s heart rate, it was spiking high and dropping low – from what I understand is signs of a placenta that is getting to the end of its life. They decided because of that to admit me and keep watch on baby Jackson.

Obviously, pre-labor… 🙂

We got to our room and the midwife came in. She explained the possible seriousness of the situation and our options. At the time, the way she said the options and my 40 week preggo brain, they didn’t sound like options. She explained that they were going to insert a foley catheter since I was only 1.5 cm dilated and since my contractions let up and were about 8 minutes apart. This should, if my body was ready for labor, push me to 3-4cm and get the contractions started. I had the catheter inserted and then went on a walk. Sure enough, it did what it was supposed to do. I started having regular contractions.

I began using my breathing techniques that we learned in our birthing and labor class. It was wonderful! So far, labor was a cinch! Deep cleansing breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth…. he-he-he-hoo…he-he-he-hooo… so on and so forth!

I feel like at this point I should return back to my expectations I had going into labor. I expected to have a spontaneous labor…If you can look at the previously written paragraphs, I did not have a spontaneous labor. The reason I wanted this was because in our L&D class, we learned that the more medical interventions you get, the more likely you are to getting a c-section. AND, in my previous four doctors appointments, our doctor kept telling us that with a big baby, you are more likely to have a c-section because the baby could get “stuck.” The more and more we talked to our teacher from our class, she reassured us that with less interventions, the more likely we were to avoid a c-section. The moment you start adding interventions to the picture is the moment you inevitably risk having to surgically remove your baby. Which means: no induction, no pain medicine, no epidural, etc).

SO, this was my mindset while heading to the hospital. Once Jackson’s heart rate was being wacko, it sounded like induction was the only option.

7 o’clock – the changing of the guar…I mean doctors/midwives/nurses…THANK GOD!

Honestly, I look back at my birthing experience and I thank God. He totally provided for me in my moment of need. I am convinced I would have ended up with a c-section if it wasn’t for my nurse and midwife that ended up delivering me.

My new Midwife, Krista Bolton, and new nurse, Sarah (I don’t remember her last name, but of course remember her first name), saved my experience. They knew what I wanted in my labor and delivery. They knew that the way things were happening currently were not what I wanted. The midwife came in and explained to me that I wasn’t in labor yet until I was 6-7cm dilated and that when I came into the hospital I wasn’t in labor…WHAT?! This was not explained to me… She also said (which the realist in me appreciated this so much) that with the catheter, I could be in the hospital for 3 days waiting for it to work, or I could deliver that night…it all depends on if my body was ready for labor.

I immediately began crying because until that moment, I had no idea. The previous doctor and midwife did not explain this to me… They did not tell me I wasn’t in labor. If that was the case, I would have gone home. I asked Krista what would happen if I took the catheter out and went home and let labor take its course at home… Everyone in the room laughed, but I was dead serious. I think her term was that it went against “medical advice.” I decided that I would stay, but spent the next few minutes crying while everyone in the room tried to encourage me.

I think that was the moment my mom and dad started praying because I became calm and the contractions began to get more and more intense. I moved around the room trying to find comfortable positions. Eric and I went on some walks around the hospital.

My amazing coach keeping me hydrated

When I got back, we decided to go into the shower. I spent a total of two hours in there, on the floor while my mom sat on the toilet since there was no chair, counting contractions for me… I would literally fall asleep in between contractions. Totally gave me the energy I needed to get through the night. Time, at that point, disappeared. An hour felt like 10 minutes.

I got out of the shower at about 9pm, and they checked me. I was 6cm!!!! I cried tears of joy… I was officially in labor. This wasn’t going to be a three day process! Thank you, God!

Breathing through contractions on the bathroom floor.

The contractions were intense! Oh. My. Goodness. I remember, in the moment, thinking that I couldn’t take any more. I don’t think I ever said it out loud, but I definitely thought it. I breathed through each one just like I had learned in my class…focused on a spot somewhere across the room and listened to Eric count down the contractions…”45 seconds….you’re doing great…30 seconds…half way there… 15 seconds…you’re almost there… and breathhhh” What would I have done without those breathing techniques. Totally saved my life!

At some point in the middle of the night, the midwife came back in and checked me and I was 8cm. At that point, they decided to break my water. I remember her saying that I could have whatever pain medication I wanted. I heard it, but I ignored it. I didn’t even want to give myself the option. I knew I could do it and I knew I was only a few contractions, at that point, away from pushing. Then I was only a few pushes away from seeing my sweet boy.

Because I am an avid runner (sarcasm), I thought of it like running. Keep setting new goals for yourself as you run…. I am going to make it to that pole then I’ll stop. Get to the pole and set a new goal…I am going to make it to that tree, to that light, to that sign, etc. etc. etc. then I’ll stop.

I did the same thing in labor. I am going to make it to the next contraction then I’ll reevaluate if I want meds or not. After every one, I said that same thing.

So, once she broke my water, the flood gates opened up (pun intended). The transition stage pretty much began immediately. And, oh man, did I think I was going to die. I could not have made it through that without my nurse and without Eric. I was definitely in a trance-like-state, as our L&D teacher described it. I would focus on a spot across the room and do my breathing techniques….hee-hee-hee-hee-hoo… The problem with transition, though, is that you don’t get a break like you do in the other contractions. It is one intense contraction after the other. At some point, I forgot how to breath. This is where Eric was so crucial. He literally had his forehead pressed up against mine and would do the breathing with me…”hee-hee-hee-hoo-hee-hee-hee-hoo-hee-hee-hee-hoo.” At some point, I was hyperventilating… the nurse, Sarah, put the oxygen mask over my face. My fingers, that were tingly and cramping, finally started to feel normal again. I could see the end in sight.

My amazing coach…

They checked me again at some point and I was 10cm and ready to push. I had wanted to push squatting, but because Jackson was determined to be a nine or ten pound baby, the midwife was afraid of dropping him. So, they said very sternly that I needed to lay down. I was pretty upset about that because I knew that my body was going against gravity, but at that point, I wasn’t arguing…I wanted my baby out, and I trusted Krista and Sarah to accomplish that safely!

I began pushing. They put the mirror up so I could see. As I was pushing, at one point Krista said that we could see his head. She pointed it out to me and asked if I wanted to touch him. I touched his sweet head, which was full of hair!! It gave me the gusto to continue to push and push even harder! Sarah, my wonderful nurse, said at one point inbetween contractions, “if the shoulders aren’t stuck and we can get him out safely, do you want to pull him out?” Um, YES! How cool would that be!

My pushing face… lol

I pushed and pushed and pushed…for an hour and a half…. at one point I remember saying, why can’t the contractions come sooner – Everyone laughed because at that point they were coming every minute and a half. I am telling you, time has no meaning in labor. You lose all understanding of time. Ten minutes is one, and one minute is one second….and the other way, one minute is five and five is an hour. It is hard to understand until you are going through it.

The pain, at this point, was so intense, but at the same time, I knew that with every push and every pain, I was one step closer to seeing my baby. I took all advice the midwife had to give me. She told me to push longer and to not give up. I pushed longer and that is when I started to progress. Finally, his head was out. He was crying such a sweet pterodactl cry that he still has…she told me to not push. I did the candle breathing technique…Apparently at this point, the cord was wrapped around his neck. She unwrapped it. I am glad I didn’t know that at the time – I would have freaked out!! I then could continue pushing. His shoulders came out and I got the go ahead from Krista. I reached down and pulled my baby up onto my chest and cried… tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of thankfulness to God.

He immediately stopped crying once he got to my chest! He was beautiful. He had a head full of blond hair, sweet blue eyes that were the most alert, chubby little face, and such a perfect body.

8lbs 6oz, 21.25 inches long, born at 6:54am on 2/3/2015.

The story continues after I ended up back in the hospital with a 103° fever, but I will save that for a different time…Stay tuned!

…To Be Continued…

I am one month, 2 days and 7 hours into motherhood while writing this…

And let me tell you, I already feel like a “seasoned” mother.

In the last 24 hours, I have been peed on, spit up on, had pee spray on the wall during a diaper change, changed a “blowout”, stayed up into the wee hours of the night with a crying baby, picked baby boogers, walked with other moms, went to a mom group, tried to sooth an inconsolable baby, tried to eat while feeding and spilled tomato sauce on my son’s face, etc. etc. etc. The list can go on and on.

Motherhood takes over your life…

When being admitted to the hospital, they ask you, “how is having this baby going to change your life?” I thought it was a stupid question. I responded with “completely.”

I don’t think I understood the magnitude of ‘completely.’ My life is FOREVER changed by this little man…every second of my life is changed by this little man.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change,” James 1:17, ESV.


Photography by the wonderful Bekah Sonke Creative 

I am one of the most distracted people in this world.

No, really, it’s true.

When cleaning my house, I will start cleaning the kitchen. I find something that belongs in the bathroom, so I go to the bathroom to put that item away. Once in the bathroom, I realize the sink is a disaster. I clean the sink. I then return to the kitchen to get a drink of water. While getting the Brita out of the fridge, I realize the shelves have something sticky on them. I then clean the shelves altogether forgetting that I came to get a drink of water. I move on to the exterior of the fridge and clean the doors. I am now stepping in crumbs so I get the broom and sweep the floor.

This process repeats itself over and over again. Don’t believe me? Ask my husband. He laughs at me because he is fully aware of what is going on, but I have no clue. I’ve been working for hours and hours and have little to show for it because I have accomplished these little tasks and when I could have had the bathroom spotless.

….And, I still never got my drink of water….

~~~

I was reading in Psalms yesterday and this pattern in my life reminded me of what I was reading.

Anyone ever read the Old Testament and followed the stories of the Israelites? Well, they have a tendency to start following God, then to quickly forget that he is around and move on to their next distraction. Once they made a bronze calf and worshiped it. Another time they complained to God of their food options so God sent Mana from HEAVEN and quail for them to eat…. he sent it from heaven….that is amazing! But, in their normal behavior, eventually didn’t trust God in his provision.

If you want a quick synopsis of the old testament, read Psalm 78 (click here).

This verse sums up the Israelites to me: “In spite of all this, they still sinned; despite his wonders, they did not believe,” (Psalm 78:32 ESV).

Yet, regardless of these things, God, at the end of Psalm 78, as an act of his loving-kindness and grace, sent David to shepherd the people of Israel and direct them to a better path: “With upright heart he shepherded them and guided them with his skillful hand,” (Psalm 78:72 ESV).

~~~

I see this in my life constantly.

Firstly, in my cleaning, he sent me Eric to keep me on task 🙂 and make sure I stick to the one room I started working on. Joking aside, secondly, I am so easily distracted in my life. Things get in the way: Worries of life, stress, busyness, friendship/relationship issues, etc. I am walking down a path trusting God and then – boom – something enters the path and pushes me off course. Then, by God’s grace, he uses something to redirect me. Those things are usually either the Bible, my husband, my church (and those I’m in community with), a song, etc.

God is so gracious. How many times have I promised him (just like Peter) that I would trust him and not deny him, yet I continue to do so just like the Israelites? He provides Mana from heaven, and two minutes later I am complaining about it or storing it up for myself because I am afraid he will not provide tomorrow. Stupidity.

In light of the New Year tomorrow (2015, can you believe it?!) I am choosing once again to commit to following Christ. To accepting the freedom he has already given me and not falling into the same sins that he delivered me from. To trusting in his goodness despite my circumstances. To learning about him more and more daily as I read his word and talk with him. To community and growing deeper and deeper in relationship with those in my church while I serve God, my church, and my community. To teaching my baby (coming oh so soon!!!) about God and his goodness and faithfulness. To growing in my relationship with my husband and learning and growing in our faith in God together. To so many things!! Welcome, 2015….I’m ready for you!!

~~~

God, thank you so much for the grace you lavish on me… From the time I accepted your gift of salvation for my sins taking on the debt that I could not, to now, walking and following you despite the many distractions of life that I so often allow to get me off course. Thank you for guiding me, and thank you for providing for me. I trust in you. Help me to remember your goodness in the darkest of nights and the lightest of days. You are all-sufficient.

~~~

To Be Continued…

Have you ever had your heart drop? Yesterday, my heart dropped twice. Not the, “Boo! I got scared!” type of heart-dropping. But the, “oh no, what have I done? How did I do that? Who have I hurt?” type of heart drop.

This has only happened a few times growing up. Silly enough, all of my heart-dropping situations have occurred via text messaging, emails, Facebook messages, etc. Two of those times were in college. I had been upsetting someone for the whole school year, but I did not hear about it until finals week before summer vacation. I found out through a round of upsetting text messages. We are friends now, but at the time, I was crushed and really quite worried that she’d never speak to me again. The issue was cleared up, and I am grateful.

Another time was when someone became upset because they thought I had “copied” their engagement ring. I received a message via Facebook and a prompt unfriending (still trying to figure that one out since I did not pick out my ring and my husband did and does not even know the person…). Needless to say, that is still not resolved and I still scratch my head wondering if there was something else that prompted her to be upset.

Yesterday, I received one of those heart dropping text messages. It was anonymous (because I didn’t have their phone number).

To give background, I posted a video with my thoughts about it. It did not come out very clear. A friend was kind enough to bring it to my attention. I removed the posting from Facebook and wrote a status of apology for not communicating clearly and for any hurt that was caused. And I attempted to clarify what I was trying to say.

Late last night, before Eric and I were to head into a meeting, I received a text message. In this instance, the person told me that there is no compassion in my heart, that they had blocked me, and that they were scared of me. I do not have this person’s phone number and when I tried to ask them what exactly they were referring to or who they were, they did not respond. When I asked to meet in person and discuss the matter, again, no response.

Now, I am not telling you this to gossip or to vent – I don’t even know who the person is and I have done my fair share of tears and venting to my husband – but I write this to give you a set up for what my day was like yesterday and how I woke up this morning. I fell asleep thinking about what had happened. I dreamt about what had happened. I cried. I woke up and that feeling would not go away. My post was to show support to people I love and care about, not hurt them. But, thats what happened. I do not know if I was right or wrong in God’s eyes or even in human standards, but I definitely felt bad for what I had caused people: pain and confusion.

This morning, as I was laying in bed trying to will my body to move, I could not wait to read the Word. I kept thinking about the grace Jesus had lavished on me. He was mocked, beaten, bruised, and crushed for things he did not do. He did not even get a chance to proclaim his innocence. Nor did he really try because he knew his goal. He knew Judas was going to betray him, yet he loved him anyways…deeply.

Today, I was set to read 3 John. I open it and verse 11 said:

“Beloved, do not imitate evil but imitate good. Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God.” 

I opened to Psalm 66:16-20:

“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what he has done for my soul. I cried to him with my mouth, and high praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, because he has not rejected my prayer, or removed his steadfast love from me.”

Both of these verses calmed and reassured my soul in different ways. I need to imitate good – which is Jesus. Regardless, if I was right or wrong, I need to love everyone. I need to love the person who questioned my compassion and did not give me a chance to defend myself. Jesus had no chance to proclaim his perfect innocence. I could find several ways in which I was wrong yesterday so even if I had the chance to defend myself, I would still be guilty of something. Love. I need to not harbor bitter feelings toward that person and love them like Jesus loved the people who were falsely accusing him and who beat him and killed him.

Then in Psalm 66…God has not rejected my prayer. He has not removed his steadfast love from me. Even though I sin on the daily, he is there to pick me back up and rescue me. He’s there to redeem my soul. He’s there to bring me back to him. He is there to love those who I did not love well. I am so grateful that grace of God is just that, grace. It is undeserving. I do not deserve it. That makes mornings like this morning turn around in an instant.

Of course I wish to reconcile that relationship that has been broken. I really wish I knew who they were so I could even speak to them about it. I am thankful that I do not need their forgiveness, though, because the savior has given me forgiveness a billion times over. Even if I never get the opportunity to reconcile with them, Jesus has already reconciled for me and that is reassuring and brings me peace.

Now…if I could only remember to think about the grace he has given me immediately when something arrises, I think things would be much better in my life. Instead, I let the issues of yesterday ruin my evening, my sleep last night, and my morning.

Thank you Jesus for hearing my cry and your STEADFAST love! Thank you for your word to remind me of TRUTH. Thank you for your victory over sin and death so that one day I can live with you pain-free. Soon and very soon!

To be continued…

Rainy days always make me think about the parable Jesus told in Matthew 7:

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it,” (Matthew 7:24-27 ESV).

I have entered into a new season of life. One of which I hear comes with many challenges and difficult times…or rainy days, if you will (I know there will be SO many joyful days too, but it will be difficult nonetheless). Two months from yesterday until my due date. I am set to have a baby…a BABY… in two months from now. A small, tiny, helpless-without-me baby. This baby will rely on me for its’ nutrients, sustenance, growth, love, nurturing, etc. That often leads women to become tired, weary, discouraged, and burdened.

I have really taken this verse and tried my best to apply it to my life in the last several months. We do not always know when a storm is going to come: death in the family, job loss, marital issues, financial strain, etc. But, one thing we do know is that those times are going to come; they are going to come whether we are prepared for them or not.

So, why not be prudent and take the measures necessary to prepare? Repair the roof, replace old tires on your car, if a bad storm is coming get sandbags, buy an umbrella, a rain coat, clean out your rain gutters…

There are so many things we can do to provide/protect us from a physical storm, but what about an emotional/spiritual storm?

You need to strengthen your soul. How do I do that? By building your house on the rock – by “[hearing the words of God and doing them],” (verse 24).

The way I have been preparing for this is by reading the word and by prayer…and not just stopping there, but applying the things I have learned to my life.

Things like: patience, prudence with money/finances/life, love, gentleness, joy, so many other qualities/characteristics.

Entering into this season is pretty darn terrifying; I am not going to lie. There are so many things that scare me. But, in the midst of the fears that creep in, I know I will be standing secure and safe because I have placed my foundation on the rock, not on the sand. That brings so much comfort, peace, and joy!

Join me in this journey of building our houses on the rock, not the sand! Those who are reading this, I’m praying for you!

…to be continued…

I always find it interesting how God leads us to exactly the right people at the right time when we are going through the situations we are going through (you friends know who you are :)). He guides us perfectly. He does not miss a beat. I get tears in my eyes thinking about the way he blesses me. I wish everyone could experience the love of God… it has changed my life. What would I do without him?!

I sit here (at home from work for the day…feeling the effects of a baby in my belly) reading the Bible He has given me as yet another form of provision and guidance…in awe.

My life is a series of seasons of running from God and Him beckoning me back to Him. My life is filled with moments of stubbornness – “I can do this on my own…I got this God.” Then, several days, months, years into my stubbornness, I find myself at his feet again, begging for him to welcome me back again. The numerous amount of times this has occurred really blows my mind. How can a God who is perfect welcome me back again? After I have spit in his face. After I have given him the finger and told him to F-off. After I have done exactly the opposite of what he has said is good for me. He has open arms, with a giant smile on his face saying, “Sarah, I have forgiven it all. Walk in freedom, the freedom I gave my life for you to have.”

Seriously, tears.

I have been reading Philippians and just pondering deeply the gospel that Jesus gave to me. The gospel that caused him mutilation, friends turning their back on him and denying they knew who he was, pain, suffering, servanthood, making himself nothing…Death.

A perfect God loving a sinner like me. Unbelievable, but I have to believe it.

And, as if dying for me wasn’t enough, Paul says he works in us to will and to work for his good pleasure. It brings the God of the universe pleasure to work in me. Again, unbelievable.

This is why I walk in freedom. This is why I rejoice because he pulls me out of the water that I was sinking in time and time again…because he finds pleasure in it. This is why I count everything as loss that I have gained in this world for the sake of knowing Jesus. As I look around my house, I have gained a lot. Above what I need to survive; I have countless luxuries. I have the ultimate comforts. But, guess what, it means nothing. If I don’t know Christ, I have severely missed the point. And a lot of my life, I have missed the point.

But, when you are overly-pregnancy-emotional, you have a lot of time to think and to think deeply. I don’t want these luxuries. I don’t even want the bare minimum. I want Jesus. Because he provided the greatest gift for me. He paid a debt that I could never repay, and he did it out of pleasure.

Read Philippians…really read it…get a glimpse into the love God has for you. Put aside your biases and your burdens. Fall in love with Jesus who fulfills all of our needs. And be thankful.

I always am amazed by what God chooses to teach me… they always fall in a theme. This probably has more to do with my stubbornness in learning lessons, but either way, theme’s they are.

Waiting seems to be the consistent theme of my life currently. Pregnant with 7 months to go in this journey (oh, if you haven’t heard, Eric and I are expecting a baby February 1…CRAZY!)….The waiting seems like forever. 7 weeks and 3 days… 7 weeks and 4 days… 7 weeks and 5 days… 8 weeks and 1 day.

Each day slowly rolls along. My belly slowly growing. My symptoms slowly changing. But, in all of it, I am learning in the waiting.

Last week at church, we sang an old song, but a good one nonetheless – everlasting God by Chris Tomlin.

One of my favorite lines says, “Our God, You reign forever. Our hope, Our strong deliverer,” then it goes into the chorus to say, “You are the everlasting God. You do not fait; You don’t grow weary.”

I had a sudden revelation that I will be waiting for the REST OF MY LIFE. I will wait for 7 more months for this baby, Lord willing. After the baby is born, I will wait for it to exit the 3 months of little sleep. Then we will venture into the “teething/eating solid foods/older baby stuff,” then comes crawling and waiting for them to walk, then walking and running, then hoping and praying for them to quickly leave the terrible two’s and three’s, etc. etc. etc….

My waiting will never end. And with that, I need to stop focusing on the waiting of the whole aspect and enjoy the present.

Enjoy that my little belly has started to stick out and my pants don’t fit.

Enjoy the appointment with my Doctor and Eric seeing my baby’s heartbeat for the first time.

Celebrating with my best friend (and SO many others) who is also pregnant.

The opportunity to sleep and take naps.

Date nights with my husband uninterrupted.

I can go on and on.

All that to say, I could wait the rest of my life to have a baby. There is a possiblity that I will not give birth beginning of 2015, but, like the song says, God reigns forever…he is our hope (not being a mother), he is always at work and always faithful.

That is something to be thankful for in itself. We have a God is is sovereign enough and powerful enough to supply all of our needs. He can provide through the toughest of times (morning sickness, achy body, tired-eyes, hurt, pain, etc.) and his is still good regardless.

I am praying for this baby daily, and hope that everyone will pray the same with me. Yes, I hope I will have a healthy baby (though I will and do love this baby no matter what), but I want to pray more that this pregnancy and this baby’s life will bring God glory – no matter how long I have to wait to see his/her face.

That’s all for now.

…to be continued…

I don’t usually have time to write, which saddens me, but today I do.

So, what is new in my life – well…I think since my last post, I’ve started dating a handsome fella, we got engaged, and now we are two months into marriage.

Somewhere in the middle of that journey, we broke up, got back together, decided to take a “break”, sought God, reconvened, and decided that God’s grace was big enough even to catch us after our mistakes…hallelujah!

What a crazy journey it has been. I will not go into all the boring details as to why we took a step away from each other (at least not in this post), but I will say that God has used every step of our journey to bring us closer to him. I am beyond thankful!

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On the day of the wedding, standing face-to-face with my soon-to-be husband was exhilarating. We stood there with eyes filled with tears, sweaty palms, and butterflies in our bellies. We knew this crazy step into the future was a crazy step into unknown territory – family, career, money woes, sex, clashing personalities, selfishness, times of celebration, times of despair, happiness, joy, pain, grief. In that moment, we committed to walking through all of those times, hand-in-hand, through joy and pain, through it all.

It’s funny because we have experienced many of those moments already – we are a family (of two…don’t get your hopes up just yet); we both have full time jobs that take up 40+ hours of our weeks; we are paying off student and credit card debt; selfishness…let’s just say, being a working-wife is hard work…I just want to be lazy on the couch and eat my Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food while watching a National Geographic documentary on Netflix; I could go on and on and on… and that is in just two months of marriage.

Thank you GOD it is a commitment because going through all those emotions and struggles in just two months should make anyone crazy. But, because of God, I’m not…we’re not!

Yet, this has been the most I have ever grown in my life. People always ask me…”soooo, how’s married life?”

How do you answer that question? Challenging, Easy, Exciting, Selfish, Selfless, Boring, Fun, Growing, Declining, Filled with Struggle, Filled with Accomplishments.

Marriage is so intricate and unique. People always said how hard marriage was, but how wonderful and rewarding it was as well.. they were SO right. I know I haven’t even brushed the surface on difficulty, but I understand more and more of what they mean as each day goes by.

Forever, we will be changing and growing. The man I married two months ago is not the same man that I am married to today. The woman I was two months ago standing face-to-face with Eric is not the same woman today – thank God for that because I have got a lot of learning to do!

Ephesians 5:25-26 | Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of  water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish (ESV).

This verse for me spells it out – Husbands are to love their wives as Jesus loved us, the church, by laying down his life or by sacrificing himself. This is in order to sanctify or to make us holy/set apart from the world. This includes cleansing us by the washing of the water and the word – showing us Christ through the word… This is so that on the day of Christ, we will be presented without spot or wrinkle or blemish – that we will be pure and set apart.

How beautiful… day by day, he is making us holy – he is setting us apart.

After two months in, I have officially decided to keep going. Silly, I know. Two months, you say, is minuscule to even the worst off marriages – they even last 6 months to a year. Well, here’s the thing. I am always changing, he is always changing, we are both always changing. We need to constantly make the decision to keep going – to keep trying – to keep chugging along – to keep fighting – to keep creating beautiful moments.

I want to look back 30, 40, 50 years from now and say I am joyfully married to my husband. It is a daily choice starting at day 1 – 365 while in the giddy, cuddly, honeymoon stage, 5 years into marriage with kids and a dog and toddlers running around and screaming, 25 years into marriage when the kids are moved out and in college/out of college/on their own. As Bevan preached on Sunday, the big days, like weddings, are important and special, but the results are because of the small days (marriage…day-to-day-to-day-to-day)…Staying faithful.

Matthew 25:21 | “His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master'” (ESV).

Well, enough of my brain spew… 🙂

‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. (Luke 15:12-14, ESV)