So I’ve decided to start blogging. I think that a lot of what I’m going to be doing this summer will have a lot of growth attached to it and I thought it would be cool to share it with the world, or at least my close friends and family. I’m not really sure whats going to happen this summer, but I’m sure the Lord is very aware and already has everything lined up for me. I’m sure he has got a million things ready to slap me in the face and humble me and break me down and mold me. Who knows. Some how, in the midst of all the excitement for moving to Northern California, nerves come into the picture.
First of all, I’ve never lived “on my own.” Okay, sure, I’ve lived out of the house, but I’ve always been free to come home any time. In fact, it became a regular thing to come home and have movie nights with my friends. It’s hard to imagine not being able to come home and talk and cry to my mom. Or eat a “mom” cooked meal (even home-cooked at someone elses house isn’t quite the same). I’ve grown so accustomed to being comfortable that stepping out of that comfort zone becomes terrifying. Second of all, waiting is a hard thing for me. There is a long story behind this fear, but I know that in God’s timing, I will know. God’s definitely been working on my patience, which is a good thing but also a very hard thing.
Third of all, vulnerability. That doesn’t really make sense. but I am scared of being vulnerable. I have to put everything I have on the line in order for God to use me! Why am I scared? Security, I suppose, is being taken away. I have to TRUST GOD. That is terrifying. It shouldn’t be. He is the Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omnipresent God. He is ALL knowing. He is ALL Powerful. He is everywhere. He is in control of everything. In Psalm 139, it talks about him knitting me together in my mothers womb and how he knew all my days before one of them came to be. How the heck do I not trust him!? This is something I always struggle with. It should be easy to trust in Him, and yet it is the hardest thing imaginable. I seem to trust the ever-failing human being before I trust him. So, learning to be vulnerable and letting him see through me. Being transparent!!
Also, Hillsong International Leadership College somehow is being put on my heart. I don’t know what it means for me, but I’m definitely praying about what that means for me.
A song came on tonight by Tenth Avenue North, Beloved, after I had read Jeremiah 3. Jeremiah 3 talks about Israel whoring itself to other men. And how they had divorced and corrupted the land. Then the song “Beloved” came on and talked of the same thing. It is written about the book of Hosea, I believe, but same general concept. God wants all of us, yet we go and make a fool out of him. We go and try to find satisfaction in someone else. Here are the Lyrics. Enjoy.
“Beloved” -TENTH AVENUE NORTH
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you’re afraid I might see
You’ve been running away from me
You’re my beloved
Lover I’m yours
Death shall not part us
It’s you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we’ll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It’s a mystery
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I’m the giver of life
I’ll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah
You’re my beloved
Lover I’m yours
and Death shall not part us
It’s you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we’ll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now
Well you’ve been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won’t satisfy
Won’t you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And taste new life
You’re my beloved
Lover I’m yours
Death shall not part us
It’s you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we’ll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me
You’re my beloved
Forever we’ll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It’s a mystery
This Week:
I got to take my mom to Disneyland for her birthday after surprising her with a party the day before! It truly was a blessing to be able to “fill her cup” and show her love! =)
To Be Continued…
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