(I’d like to preface this post: in no way am I judging or looking down upon any parents who didn’t do this or aren’t doing this…or saying my parents were perfect…It is by the grace of God I and my siblings are who we are… 1 Corinthians 15:1)
If you ask any person what they think they want their child to be like, they would never say: “indulgent,” “entitled,” “selfish,” “rude,” etc.
As a person without a child, you have this dreamy view of what your children are going to be like. My child will be: kind, nice, gentle, respectful, loving, giving, selfless, etc. They wont be rude or selfish – they wont be entitled like so many other kids running around these days.
I write this after watching a youtube video of a young adult who verbally and physically assaulted a manager of a store after he came in drunk demanding service…actually demanding mac n’ cheese. So crazy! This kid was arrested…it wasn’t his first incident with the law. He had two other incidences at a different college doing something similar. It grieved my heart because that is not uncommon these days.
I used to work at a University in the Residence Life department as a receptionist, and it would blow me away the type of kids and parents that would walk through the doors or call our office.
Calls almost always went something like this…
Parent: “My child doesn’t like their roommate; they NEED another one. You must move them.”
Not only was it shocking that they demanded a change for their child thinking that all they needed to do was snap our fingers and something would change, but it was shocking that they called our office at all and their child who is an adult going to a university wasn’t the one calling and taking responsibility.
Call mommy and daddy and everything will be alright. They will make it better. They will demand for a change.
Most of the time, we would have to tell the parents that their children must call back and request this. Or that their children must talk to their Resident Assistant or Resident Director first.
I was also a resident assistant. What an interesting job that was…I literally had a resident PEE in front of my door. LITERALLY…pull their pants down and PEE…on the carpeted ground…what?!?! Honestly, I couldn’t believe it. After I was in shock for a second, I cried. Sobbed, actually. How could someone be that rude, that hurtful intentionally.
Having a kid myself, I think back on the stories I have from working in Residence Life. What was the difference in those kids lives versus my own. What did my parents do that was different from others parents. My parents weren’t perfect – they would be the first to admit that – but they did do something different. And not every child who is raised the way my parents raised us will turn out well…God knows, they raised me well, and I still chose rebellion at points in my life.
Here’s some things I think they did right:
1) They prayed with us…often. Every night, my parents prayed with us. It was either my mom or my dad. I still can remember my moms prayer that she would pray every night. I even find myself praying it over Jackson before I put him into bed. That wasn’t the only time we prayed. We prayed before meals, prayed before tests or school, prayed when we were upset or after we got disciplined. Prayer was a HUGE part of our lives. Specifically in regards to prayer and my life, being one of THE MOST stubborn kids in the world, my parents prayed that I would use my stubbornness for good and not evil. Thank God they did. I couldn’t imagine the places my stubbornness would take me if I didn’t know God and follow him.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and suplication, with thanksgiving…” Philippians 4:6-10
2) They lived out their faith. James 2:14-26 talks about the concept that faith without deeds is dead. My parents were people of integrity, character, and love. I remember a story of my dad and I going to bakers off of University when it used to be there… we were walking into the restaurant and there was a homeless man sitting down on a little patch of grass. My dad offered to buy the guy a burrito. If I remember correctly, the man declined. I couldn’t believe it. But my dad nonetheless offered time and time again. We didn’t have a lot of money, but he knew we had it better than they and the least we could do is to offer. There’s stories like this from my mom as well. Time and time again, they lived out the qualities of a Christ follower so we could see them.
“What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him?” James 2:14
3) They were not afraid to discipline us and discipline us well. As I think back to my days in Residence Life, one of the qualities I think that is lacking in parenting today is discipline. Parents do not let their children feel the affects of wrongdoing. Your kid is mean to his classmates and they don’t get invited to birthday parties or play dates…well, thats the other kids fault, not mine. Or, your kid doesn’t like a classmate (for no real reason except they don’t like them) so they talk to the teacher to get them to move their kid… What parents often think is that their kid shouldn’t have to feel discomfort or pain. “I can’t spank my kid or they will be messed up psychologically for the rest of their lives,” they think. I would beg to differ. Spanking or punishment when done in the appropriate times and in the appropriate manner can yield great fruit and make the biggest difference in a child. Positively reinforcing a child who is rebellious will only cause him/her to become more rebellious. Punishment and discipline is good when used appropriately.
This is even the case with the parenting of infants. Cry it out is deemed child abuse by many because letting your kid cry for three nights (in small pockets of time and supervised) in order to get them trained to sleep through the night is better than a year full of crying and no sleep (every two hours at night…and throughout the day while fighting naps…also side note: I find that my kid cries less because we have gone through the sleep training and a short cry it out stint because when it’s time to go down, he goes down vs. crying all day because he is over-tired…Hello run-on sentence!!). Controlled discipline and controlled pain is good when its outcome is goodness and love. Injuring your child (whether physically or emotionally) is a different story. Discipline rooted in love is good and brings glory to God. Don’t mishear me on this…I am in no way condoning neglect or abuse. I am condoning controlled, intentional discipline and training for the betterment of the child.
“For the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11
4) They shielded us from the evil and horrors of this world. This can seem counter to point 3, but it is quite different. Children are innocent. They come into this world not understanding evil or pain. They don’t understand that bad people exist and that there are people who do things to hurt others. I think this is so beautiful. To see the world through the eyes of a child is a beautiful thing. They see things through such fresh eyes. They have so much faith in people and think good of people. My parents chose to shield us from certain evil things. We were not allowed to watch certain movies or listen to certain music. To this day, there is songs from the 90s that I don’t even know that many of my peers know. My peers will be singing along, and it is my first time hearing the song. The show ‘Friends’ was a show that many of my peers grew up watching, but I didn’t watch my first episode until college (I love the show now, by the way).
My parents recognized the beauty in this innocence, and it has made a huge difference in my life. I value things that are good and pure. I love listening to music that is free of cuss words and sexual references. I love watching movies that are filled with uplifting stories and kind-hearted plot. And I think this flows into my character. I know I am not perfect. I know I can be very selfish. But, the more and more I fill my mind and heart with things that are good and from the Lord (Philippians 4), and the more and more I put away things that are evil, the more peace I find. This doesn’t mean I am ignorant of the evil of this world; my parents made sure we knew not to go with strangers and that there was sickness and death and sin. But they did it in an age appropriate manner.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:8-9)
(Crazy piece of info and I wish I could remember where I heard this…a movie was shown to people in a rural village where TVs weren’t available. They showed a scene of someone being shot and murdered and the people watching actually threw up. We have become so numb to death and murder and gun shots because it has been engrained into our culture through movies and media. Just some food for thought… [if anyone knows where that information came from, please share!])
5) They were involved in our lives and our friendships. I would say I had the cool parents growing up (they would be happy to hear that, I’m sure). People liked coming to our house, and they liked my parents. We would have sleepovers and hangouts and my parents were always present. Yes, they would somewhat keep their distance, but they were always engaging us about our friends and interested in ours and their lives. They also came to our games and rooted us on. They were at our choir and play performances. They were heavily involved and invested. They not only invested time, but money into our skills. My brother took pitching lessons and catching lessons in baseball. He was in little league and in theater. I took voice lessons. My sister and I took piano lessons. We all were in things that cost money. Each activity also costed time. Precious time. We knew our parents were on our side, in our corner. But we also knew that they valued hard work. If they were going to invest money and time into these activities, we better practice and do well. And we did and do.
“And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.’ (Colossians 3:14-17)
6) Most of all, they cared about our faith in God. There was not a moment of our lives that this was not on the forefront of our lives. It affected every decision that they made regarding our future from where we went to school to which friends we spent the most time with. My parents sacrificed a lot to put us through Christian School. Now, this isn’t the only and best option necessarily for a kid, but it was the best option for us. We had Bible class daily from the time we were 5 until we graduated college. It was a SACRIFICE because it cost money – money that was not always in surplus. 😉 The other decision it affected was the church we attended. My parents had been going to a church they LOVED for years. We drove 45 minutes to be at this church. It was a huge part of their lives. But, once we became old enough to be apart of youth groups and hang outs, 45 minutes was just too far. My parents sacrificed their comfort at the church they loved to make sure we were at a church that provided a place for us to grow and learn about God close to home. Because of this sacrifice, each of me and my siblings grew to know and love the Lord.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
I know these things are not always popular or easy. My mom sacrificed a career in a specific field so she could be present in our lives. She got a job at our school and a church so she could work the hours we were in school so she could be present for games and the times we weren’t in school. They sacrificed nice cars and new clothes and lots of things so that we could go to a private school and participate in all the activities we were apart of. They sacrificed their comfort time and time again when it came to disciplining us and even choosing to leave the community that they loved so much so that us kids could grow in our faith and know Jesus.
I didn’t initially intend for this post to be a tribute to my parents, but when I look at their lives and what they did to ensure we knew Jesus and grew up living out our faith in love and with character, I am astounded. They didn’t do everything right, no…I could probably make a list of what-not-to-do, but who couldn’t make a list like that when you are so close to someone. But, their lives stand out to me. And I am grateful. And by the grace of God, I pray that Eric and I can be parents like that to Jackson one day. Raise him with a knowledge of who Jesus truly is and why he had to come, die on the cross, and rise again. Raise him with love in his heart for others and the world. Raise him with loving discipline and pain within a controlled, loving setting.
Jesus,
Please show grace to Eric and me so that Jackson (and Lordwilling, his siblings) grow to know you. Grow up to be a man of character and love. Grow up to care for the people of this world and to not be stained by the evil things of this world. Please guide us in discipline and guide us in our decisions in how to raise him.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen
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