Category: anxiety

Motherhood opens your eyes to a whole other world – a whole new dimension to this thing we call life. Everything you look at, touch, hear, sound, smell…everything is now seen through this new filter of motherhood.

Motherhood is a beautiful lens. It paints beauty onto things once monotonous.

For example, kids toys. When I was not a mom, I used to totally judge people for the amount of toys they had in their house. I would walk, more like wade, through their house with a floor filled with stuffed beings and plastic, noise making apparatuses…and I would judge. “Your kid is spoiled,” I thought, “Go outside and play with sticks and bugs and dirt.”

Now that I have these “mom-colored-glasses,” I see the wonder that are toys. Jackson LOVES his exersaucer – more specifically, he loves ‘Mandy Pandy’ (Panda) as Eric has named him/her. He laughs and ‘talks’ to this panda for more hours a day than I would like to admit. I do also play with my son, but that panda has a way with my son that I do not understand, but that I like. Mandy the Pandy allows me to do the dishes, to clean, even nap sometimes (don’t judge ;)). He also loves the countless other toys he has – Mr. Zebra, fabric book, whale, Mr. Elephant, teething bee, and many more. Yes, my kid has been spoiled by his grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles (blood and should have been blood), but the joy I see my baby boy have when he looks that panda in the eyes and giggles and giggles is one that I would pay a trillion and one dollars to see.

It makes me understand God’s love for me that much more.

Me, an imperfect (and even evil) parent gives my child good gifts. Imagine what gifts my perfect, good father gives me (Matthew 7:11). Plus, Mandy helped my baby boy roll over today…A task I was unable to do. Thank you, Mandy, and thank you Grandma Charlie for gifting Mandy. 🙂

Another thing that motherhood has done is shown me beauty in friendships. There is nothing quite like walking through life with people who are in the same stage of life as you or have gone before you. My friends are so beautiful. And, even more now than ever before, I realize what a beautiful bond having girl friends is. It is unlike any other bond. No man (sorry, honey) will ever realize what it is like to push out a 8lb 6oz baby out of your own body, or carrying it for 9 months. No man will ever understand what it is like to lose 40ml of blood each month and still carry on with life – I know TMI. Whatever. But really, more than child bearing or the time of the month, womanhood is a special thing, and I do not know what I would do without my friends.

Seeing friendship through mom-colored glasses also means that sometimes friendships that were once so close are no longer as close any longer. Time becomes very sacred, and in order to prioritize your new baby (and firstly your husband), some friendships become weaker and some leave altogether. The reality of that is sad. If friendships could last forever, I would be one happy girl. But at some point, you have to realize they don’t and move forward and focus on the present. To all my girls who have stuck around through the years or new friendships, thank you for sticking by my side even when I can be a real pain or when my sins get really ugly. Because of your presence in my life, I can face problems and face fears with the Lord by our side. Your grace in my life has changed me and made me a better person!

Motherhood has changed my view of my marriage – because becoming a mother has also made my husband a father. I cannot even remember what my husband was like before he became a father. It is not like it was 10 years ago – it has only been 4, almost 5, months, but seriously. Something in him changed. He grew into the man God has called him to be. Don’t get me wrong…he still leaves whiskers in the sink after shaving and wet towels draped over the door…he’s still human, and he is still growing and making mistakes. But, like me being a mother, he is fulfilling one of God’s calls on his life. And it is changing him dramatically. I love him. I cannot imagine another human being who would be better to walk through this life with me.

Having these new glasses has also made life somewhat more difficult. Having a child is like having a piece of my heart taken from inside of me and put into an unsafe, uncertain environment that is completely unpredictable that I have little to no control over. It can cause worry, pain, and hurt. It can be gruesome and uneasy. These mom-colored glasses have given me the biggest opportunity in my life so far to trust in God. Worry can completely overtake me – what if he stops breathing in his sleep, what if I drop him, what if he gets sick, what if we’re driving and crash…

What if, what if, what if.  As a mom, I could drown in the sea of ‘what ifs.’

It’s easy to end up there… And there are plenty of other moms that will be drowning right along with you. Because worry lies to you and tells you that you are caring when in reality you are chaining yourself to anxiety and, farther down the road, pain.