I find myself in a world that I never thought I’d be in. Throwing around words and phrases that I had only heard in my Behavioral Science and Psychology classes in college like codependency, enabling, self-talk, sponsorship, and ‘working the program.’ Not that I didn’t subconsciously expect myself to be here in this world. As many did in that room with me, I grew up wanting to help everyone I could to live the best life they could. I was a rescuer. A fixer. I still am. So, I find myself trying to control everyone’s lives and change them, ‘for the better.’ I find myself attracted to people who need help. Who need ‘MY’ help…or so I think.
I have begun to realize as so many in my meetings say, “Ours is a disease of thinking, not drinking.” So true. Though I don’t have a substance problem, my ‘disease’ at times seems all-encompassing. Sometimes even a nice, respectful conversation with another human being seems impossible. Sometimes even sitting shotgun with my husband is a struggle for control…”why are you taking this way?” “Turn left here.” “Pass this guy….” Ugh. My cheeks get red just thinking about how embarrassing I am to myself sometimes in the amount of control on others I try to have. Most of the time I feel like a complete failure in my relationships.
Sitting in my meeting this morning, the man who was leading shared about the failures and obstacles we face, and how they aren’t the end all; they are what has given us the wisdom that we have now. We aren’t the story we once were. We now have written a different outcome to our lives. Each day is a new opportunity to write something new.
Yesterday in church, my pastor Bevan shared about this same concept. So often, because God’s standard of morality is so great, we run in light of our failures and shortcomings. He gave the example of a pro MMA fighter challenging him in a dual. He explained that he would skip the state because he knows he doesn’t even come close to being able to compete with him. A lot of us do this with God. We run. But instead, we must run to God. Run to his grace. Because our failures and shortcomings are what qualify us to receive his grace; they don’t disqualify us as we often try to tell ourselves. So beautiful. Yes, God is big; Yes, our failures are many, but His grace and love for us is so deep.
So, as I grieve the fact that I am sitting in that room surrounded by others who probably at some point have grieved the fact that they are in that room as well, I realize that we are all learning. God (they all say: ‘Higher Power’…I just can’t get myself to say that…It’s Jesus…Always will be) is taking what so often feels like utter failure and lavishing us with grace so that we can run to him. So that we can be changed. I type with tears streaming down my face because I am so grateful that he isn’t done with me yet. He will never be done with me. I don’t have to be left to ruin relationship after relationship. I can have healthy relationships with good, healthy boundaries. I can help people when appropriate without trying to shove everything I’ve ever learned down someone’s throat. I don’t have to clean up everyones mess. I can work on my relationship with Jesus and learn to love and look like Him more. I can clean up my side of the street.
This realization is so freeing. God’s the one in control. I am not. Amen!
sarahecooley.com 