I’d like to think I am a pretty trusting person. I would like to think that I am pretty trustworthy myself.
The reality is, I’m not either.
I think back to a situation in high school where I completely ditched one friend, who I told I would get ready at her house for prom or winter formal or whatever dance it was, to get ready at another friends house. I told that friend that I couldn’t come to their house because my parents were going out of town and couldn’t take me to her house. The truth: I thought the other friend was “cooler” or something so I ditched my original plans and chose to lie. So rude. And so deceitful. I lost a dear friend over that. I still remember the look on her face when I walked into the dance with my other friend. She was devastated and hurt. And I did everything in my power to avoid her that night because I knew I was guilty. Until the end of high school, I justified it and lied even to myself about the situation trying to make it okay in my mind and make her seem like the ridiculous one for being “upset” about it. I still regret that choice today.
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| For your viewing pleasure: me and friends, at a dance, in high school. And not the same dance from the story above. |
Now, I know that it has been manyyyyy years since high school, and I am not the same person, but I can list a story similar to that in every stage of my life from when I was a little kid in elementary school, to junior high, high school, college, and now in my adult life. I try my best to make honest decisions these days, and when I do mess up, I try everything in my power to apologize and make that relationship right.
But, alas, I am human. I make mistakes. I sin.
Now for the being a trusting person part, I would say I am better at this. Goodness, though, loving someone completely without boundaries and without a guard up, that is hard. And I would say I never really did completely. Until, I became a mother.
I love my husband so much, but even in that relationship, he can hurt me. He can make me sad. Mad. Upset. And, he has done all of those things (I know, big surprise, right? ;)). Walls get put up and relationships suffer because of sin and pain (I’m not saying this is right, I’m just saying how it is). Love is done in reservation and in fear, and then it becomes tainted and dull. It becomes watered-down, a fainter version of the real thing.
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| Wedding Day – 2.21.14 |
I was thinking about the love I have for Jackson and everything he means to me, and I thought, he never really has done anything to hurt me (except the labor part, but that’s beside the point…and I kinda did that to myself by choosing to get pregnant – HA!).
Jackson has never lied to me.
He’s never deceived me.
He’s never tried to trick me.
He’s never made fun of me.
He’s never hit me or pinched me or bit me or punched me.
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| What post is complete without a sweet picture of Jackson? 😉 |
He, being new to this world, has a new, unblemished slate. I look at him and my whole heart feels as if it could burst from the joy and happiness he brings me. The love I have for him is so deep. The love I have for him is so freeing. But, it also has not been tarnished by hurt or pain. And even when it does eventually get hurt, my love for him will not leave.
Now, adults, whew, I have a hard time loving…I mean fully loving. I can like. I can “love.” But, even with a clean slate, there is always a wall up. A sweet, little 2-month baby doesn’t have the capability to lie to me (because he can’t talk). He can’t deceive me or make fun of me. There is innocence. Adults don’t have the innocence of a child. They have the ability to lie. They are hurtful. They can be cruel and mean. They are selfish, like I am.
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| And another for good measure, because he’s just so gosh-darn cute! |
And, by me fully loving without reservation, I am putting myself out on a limb. There is serious risk involved. My heart is involved, and my heart is fragile. And it’s been hurt before.
But.
How different would my life look if I did truly love? If I loved with a risky, limb-climbing love? Loved with the love I have for my own child? A deep, innocent, nonjudgemental love? What if I loved my husband as 1 Corinthians 13 tells me to love – without thought of a past mistake, without selfishness? What if I loved my friends without regard to their imperfection? What if I loved my parents as though they hadn’t hurt me in the past? My siblings like they had done no wrong?
I think that kind of love could change the world. And, I think, starting today, I am going to try it. Going to put myself out on a limb and take the risk. Because people are worth it. And love is worth it. And the joy I feel from loving my son with that kind of love is such an amazing feeling. It’s so freeing!
I mean, c’mon, the best example of love gave His life for loves sake. He so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son (…that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life…I know you know the verse by heart…). He gave his life for people who hurt him way more brutally than anyone has ever hurt me. The least, the bare minimum, I can do is love.
Who is it you love without boundaries, without a guard up, or have you not experienced this love yet? Who and how can you love better today? Who can you love with a risky, limb-climbing love?
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| Okay, last one, I promise…well at least for this post… |
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