Month: March 2015

Sleep. Something I have come to love in my 25 years of life. Something I have lost in the last 2 months of my baby’s life and miss dearly.

One of the main questions people ask me when they find out I have a two month old…”how is he sleeping?”

I think back to the night before and answer accordingly: “Normally he is a pretty good sleeper, but last night was rough,” “Great! He slept for 7 hours straight!!!” “He slept for 5 hours straight, then was up for every two hours…” So on and so forth.

About two weeks into Jackson’s life, I made an investment…a $20 investment…

a magical noise machine. (Okay, so it’s not really magical, but its effect is magical!)

Best $20 we have ever spent. He can be crying until his face turns blue and the second you turn on the white noise we have a peaceful baby. It’s almost freaky how well it works.

At church, I was telling someone about our magical noise machine and immediately Psalm 23 popped into my head…”The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul…”

Most days, I am exactly like Jackson… Crying till my face turns blue. Anxious. Unsettled. Chaotic. Unsure of the future. (And, like Jackson, it’s usually when I’m hungry…or hangry as my husband calls it)

In a moment, I am beside the quiet, still waters of his Word, and I find peace. It’s magical…or mystical…whatever word you prefer. He restores my soul.

I spend so much time in the “valley of the shadow of death,” but I spend my time there fearing evil because I forget that God is with me and I forget that I can turn to Him and I will find peace by the calm stream of His Word.

Like the wiseman in Psalm 1, when I delight in the law of the Lord and meditate on it day and night, I will be like a tree planted by streams of water, who produces fruit in season, and whose leaf does not wither. That is soul restoring. That is peace.

Lord, please help me to delight myself in your word, to meditate on it day and night. To walk, or crawl if I need to, to the quiet streams of your word that bring peace. Please give me peace like that of my son, who can sleep in the midst of any chaos or noise (mostly). Help me to stay grounded in you.

Jackson and Olivia hanging out at my birthday dinner last night.

And, just like that, another birthday has come and gone.

Boy, does time fly, or what?!

I had always heard that phrase growing up, but until you are married with a baby, I don’t think you understand quite fully the gravity of that statement. Two hours feels like two minutes. One month feels like one week.

Throughout this year, I have learned so much…and thats only the tip of the iceberg.

I have learned (some of what it means) to be a wife:

Marriage is not always easy. But it’s not quite as difficult as I thought it was going to be either. I heard the first year was full on screaming matches and brawls. So far, none of that. And I’m thankful. Though, we have had some very intense conversations about very serious topics, God is walking us through each and every obstacle, and I’m thankful. I love my best friend!

Difficult things in this life are not supposed to be walked through alone. Thankfully Eric and I haven’t had to do that. We have had major help in our marriage by some great people: our parents, our pastors, friends, family, etc. The biggest help was God. Once I became pregnant, I realized (once again) the importance of seeking God first. I knew diving into the Bible daily was important if I wanted to seek any peace and joy in my life and in my marriage. He has done just that.

I couldn’t imagine walking through this life with someone different. Eric is so special to me. He understands me and gets me. He is hilarious, loving, and caring. He is passionate and hardworking! One of my favorite country songs right now is “Shotgun Rider” by Tim McGraw; it says, “I don’t ever wanna wake up, looking into someone else’s eyes | another voice calling me baby on the other end of the phone | a new girl putting on her makeup before dinner on Friday night | I don’t ever wanna know-ohhhh, no other shotgun rider beside me singing to the radio-ohhhhh.” Every time that song comes on the radio, I can help but think of how grateful I am for Eric and walking through this life with me. I couldn’t do it without him.

I have learned (some of what it means) to be a mother:

I grew up with a pretty great mom and pretty great parents. But with anything, you always think, “I could do that better…” Then you become a parent and you realize all that your parents went through to raise you and all that they sacrificed, and you take back that statement.

Parenting is hard and parenting takes sacrifice…and I’m only two months into it (minus one week). The amount of sleep lost since Jackson’s birth currently is probably a total of all the sleep I’ve lost in my lifetime. And it only continues. And it is all worth it! Seeing him learn and grow and develop; Seeing him smile and interact. Watching as his eyes follow you across the room and his arms and legs flail up and down in excitement. When he is crying at the top of his lungs and the minute you pick him up, he is calm. Him snuggling on your chest and falling asleep (what he is doing as I type). The reward for being a mom is amazing…and I am sure it only gets better! Imagine when he can talk?! 😉

I have learned (some of what it means) to be an employee:

I spent time at my job (until November) being an employee working under bosses. I worked alongside of my peers. I developed new systems and organized different things. I answered phones and interacted with people coming into the office. In the grand scheme of things, none of that matters, but what matters was consistency and faithfulness to a job, submitting to leadership, and showing love to others. The tasks in and of themselves did not matter, but what matters was what that produced in me. I am so thankful for Seabreeze Church and the job opportunity I had there learning and growing. I do miss working and spending time with my coworkers, but I love being a mom even more!

I have learned (some of what it means) to be a church member:

I can’t tell you how much of an impact that Seabreeze Church has had on my life. Most of my friends that I currently have somehow stemmed from that church. My marriage has Seabreeze to thank. And so does my baby. Without Seabreeze, I would have never met Eric, and I would not have Jackson. I couldn’t imagine living a different life than the one I am now.

Though, I don’t always agree on decisions the church makes, and I don’t get along with everyone always, it is a family. And just like in a family, you stay together and you work through problems and issues and you become stronger. Without the church, I would be so lost. No one to guide me in raising my baby, in strengthening my marriage. No one to teach me about God and guide me in learning more about Him. No moms to hang out with and spend time with who share my goals and desires for my baby. The measure of church really is priceless.

~~~

Wow, 25.

Not sure how I got here, but I am thankful nonetheless. A quarter of a century filled with family, friends, learning and growing, hard times and great times, a new baby, my marriage, a college degree, new jobs…all within the first 25 years of my life. Thankful doesn’t even come close to explaining how I feel.

Thanks everyone for being apart of my life. For being my friends and investing your time into my life. For taking part in the joys of my life. For walking beside me in the difficult times, crying with me. For challenging me and confronting me when I have things that need to change. For sharing wisdom with me and teaching me. For being who you are to me, whoever you are. For leading me to Christ. For pushing me to be more like him. Thanks.

Jackson is 7 weeks today… Can’t even believe it! Enjoy this (extremely long) part II post of Jackson Charles’ Grand Entrance…

Most people have only one “leaving the hospital” experience after their baby is born…I had two.

My expectations that I had going into my labor and delivery that I mentioned in Part I definitely did not have this included in it. All 24 hours after Jackson’s birth, I was dreaming of being in my own bed to sleep, to take a shower in my own shower, to eat my own food, and to not be disturbed every two hours to take vitals.

Welp, God had a different plan.

On Wednesday, February 4th, the day we are to be released to go home, I started to get extreme chills. I remember asking for extra blankets in the hospital bed and still shaking like a leaf. The night before, while sleeping, I remember waking up extremely sweaty. That should have been a clue to me that something was not right with my body, but I think I just assumed that with all the trauma my body just went through and the crazy amount of hormones surging through my body, that the chills and sweats were normal. Come to find out, that was not the case.

We pack up everything. I change Jackson into his “going home” outfit. I take a shower and trade my hospital gown with real clothes and try to figure out how to get dressed with the crazy new “underwear” and mass amount of pads they give you to wear (which are completely necessary after the trauma you just went through). Eric takes down all of our bags and things and pulls the car up.

We get all of our paperwork in order, and they wheel me down to the car with Jackson in my arms. Please note the swollen, waterlogged face… so glad that is gone!!

Disclaimer: I wrote the beginning of this post back when Jackson was just a week old. He is now 6 weeks old. Mommyhood pushes things back a little bit… 🙂 I am now finishing this post with a 6 week old baby laying on me…enjoy!

“Children are not distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.” – C. S. Lewis

We’re a week and two days into our new life with a child. What an experience! The love I feel for this little eight pound six ounce creature is overwhelming. To put it into words would be impossible. He is such a sweet, calm baby – we are so blessed.

As with all things in life, I had so many expectations for my labor and delivery. I tried my best to have none, but in the back of my head, they were there.

One of my expectations was to have a spontaneous labor and to go into labor when I was 4 or 5 cm dilated. And, I thought that is what we were doing when we went into the hospital.

The morning we went into the hospital, I was at HR Block taking care of our taxes. During the appointment, I kept having back pain. I then realized that I was having back pain every 5 minutes. I started keeping track. After the appointment, I called Eric and had him come home. We went on a walk to the beach and back, and the contractions continued. We called the hospital and told them we were on our way.

At the hospital, ready to get the party started!

Last preggo picture!

We get to the hospital and get put on the monitors to see how Jackson’s heart rate was and the closeness of my contractions. As they were watching Jackson’s heart rate, it was spiking high and dropping low – from what I understand is signs of a placenta that is getting to the end of its life. They decided because of that to admit me and keep watch on baby Jackson.

Obviously, pre-labor… 🙂

We got to our room and the midwife came in. She explained the possible seriousness of the situation and our options. At the time, the way she said the options and my 40 week preggo brain, they didn’t sound like options. She explained that they were going to insert a foley catheter since I was only 1.5 cm dilated and since my contractions let up and were about 8 minutes apart. This should, if my body was ready for labor, push me to 3-4cm and get the contractions started. I had the catheter inserted and then went on a walk. Sure enough, it did what it was supposed to do. I started having regular contractions.

I began using my breathing techniques that we learned in our birthing and labor class. It was wonderful! So far, labor was a cinch! Deep cleansing breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth…. he-he-he-hoo…he-he-he-hooo… so on and so forth!

I feel like at this point I should return back to my expectations I had going into labor. I expected to have a spontaneous labor…If you can look at the previously written paragraphs, I did not have a spontaneous labor. The reason I wanted this was because in our L&D class, we learned that the more medical interventions you get, the more likely you are to getting a c-section. AND, in my previous four doctors appointments, our doctor kept telling us that with a big baby, you are more likely to have a c-section because the baby could get “stuck.” The more and more we talked to our teacher from our class, she reassured us that with less interventions, the more likely we were to avoid a c-section. The moment you start adding interventions to the picture is the moment you inevitably risk having to surgically remove your baby. Which means: no induction, no pain medicine, no epidural, etc).

SO, this was my mindset while heading to the hospital. Once Jackson’s heart rate was being wacko, it sounded like induction was the only option.

7 o’clock – the changing of the guar…I mean doctors/midwives/nurses…THANK GOD!

Honestly, I look back at my birthing experience and I thank God. He totally provided for me in my moment of need. I am convinced I would have ended up with a c-section if it wasn’t for my nurse and midwife that ended up delivering me.

My new Midwife, Krista Bolton, and new nurse, Sarah (I don’t remember her last name, but of course remember her first name), saved my experience. They knew what I wanted in my labor and delivery. They knew that the way things were happening currently were not what I wanted. The midwife came in and explained to me that I wasn’t in labor yet until I was 6-7cm dilated and that when I came into the hospital I wasn’t in labor…WHAT?! This was not explained to me… She also said (which the realist in me appreciated this so much) that with the catheter, I could be in the hospital for 3 days waiting for it to work, or I could deliver that night…it all depends on if my body was ready for labor.

I immediately began crying because until that moment, I had no idea. The previous doctor and midwife did not explain this to me… They did not tell me I wasn’t in labor. If that was the case, I would have gone home. I asked Krista what would happen if I took the catheter out and went home and let labor take its course at home… Everyone in the room laughed, but I was dead serious. I think her term was that it went against “medical advice.” I decided that I would stay, but spent the next few minutes crying while everyone in the room tried to encourage me.

I think that was the moment my mom and dad started praying because I became calm and the contractions began to get more and more intense. I moved around the room trying to find comfortable positions. Eric and I went on some walks around the hospital.

My amazing coach keeping me hydrated

When I got back, we decided to go into the shower. I spent a total of two hours in there, on the floor while my mom sat on the toilet since there was no chair, counting contractions for me… I would literally fall asleep in between contractions. Totally gave me the energy I needed to get through the night. Time, at that point, disappeared. An hour felt like 10 minutes.

I got out of the shower at about 9pm, and they checked me. I was 6cm!!!! I cried tears of joy… I was officially in labor. This wasn’t going to be a three day process! Thank you, God!

Breathing through contractions on the bathroom floor.

The contractions were intense! Oh. My. Goodness. I remember, in the moment, thinking that I couldn’t take any more. I don’t think I ever said it out loud, but I definitely thought it. I breathed through each one just like I had learned in my class…focused on a spot somewhere across the room and listened to Eric count down the contractions…”45 seconds….you’re doing great…30 seconds…half way there… 15 seconds…you’re almost there… and breathhhh” What would I have done without those breathing techniques. Totally saved my life!

At some point in the middle of the night, the midwife came back in and checked me and I was 8cm. At that point, they decided to break my water. I remember her saying that I could have whatever pain medication I wanted. I heard it, but I ignored it. I didn’t even want to give myself the option. I knew I could do it and I knew I was only a few contractions, at that point, away from pushing. Then I was only a few pushes away from seeing my sweet boy.

Because I am an avid runner (sarcasm), I thought of it like running. Keep setting new goals for yourself as you run…. I am going to make it to that pole then I’ll stop. Get to the pole and set a new goal…I am going to make it to that tree, to that light, to that sign, etc. etc. etc. then I’ll stop.

I did the same thing in labor. I am going to make it to the next contraction then I’ll reevaluate if I want meds or not. After every one, I said that same thing.

So, once she broke my water, the flood gates opened up (pun intended). The transition stage pretty much began immediately. And, oh man, did I think I was going to die. I could not have made it through that without my nurse and without Eric. I was definitely in a trance-like-state, as our L&D teacher described it. I would focus on a spot across the room and do my breathing techniques….hee-hee-hee-hee-hoo… The problem with transition, though, is that you don’t get a break like you do in the other contractions. It is one intense contraction after the other. At some point, I forgot how to breath. This is where Eric was so crucial. He literally had his forehead pressed up against mine and would do the breathing with me…”hee-hee-hee-hoo-hee-hee-hee-hoo-hee-hee-hee-hoo.” At some point, I was hyperventilating… the nurse, Sarah, put the oxygen mask over my face. My fingers, that were tingly and cramping, finally started to feel normal again. I could see the end in sight.

My amazing coach…

They checked me again at some point and I was 10cm and ready to push. I had wanted to push squatting, but because Jackson was determined to be a nine or ten pound baby, the midwife was afraid of dropping him. So, they said very sternly that I needed to lay down. I was pretty upset about that because I knew that my body was going against gravity, but at that point, I wasn’t arguing…I wanted my baby out, and I trusted Krista and Sarah to accomplish that safely!

I began pushing. They put the mirror up so I could see. As I was pushing, at one point Krista said that we could see his head. She pointed it out to me and asked if I wanted to touch him. I touched his sweet head, which was full of hair!! It gave me the gusto to continue to push and push even harder! Sarah, my wonderful nurse, said at one point inbetween contractions, “if the shoulders aren’t stuck and we can get him out safely, do you want to pull him out?” Um, YES! How cool would that be!

My pushing face… lol

I pushed and pushed and pushed…for an hour and a half…. at one point I remember saying, why can’t the contractions come sooner – Everyone laughed because at that point they were coming every minute and a half. I am telling you, time has no meaning in labor. You lose all understanding of time. Ten minutes is one, and one minute is one second….and the other way, one minute is five and five is an hour. It is hard to understand until you are going through it.

The pain, at this point, was so intense, but at the same time, I knew that with every push and every pain, I was one step closer to seeing my baby. I took all advice the midwife had to give me. She told me to push longer and to not give up. I pushed longer and that is when I started to progress. Finally, his head was out. He was crying such a sweet pterodactl cry that he still has…she told me to not push. I did the candle breathing technique…Apparently at this point, the cord was wrapped around his neck. She unwrapped it. I am glad I didn’t know that at the time – I would have freaked out!! I then could continue pushing. His shoulders came out and I got the go ahead from Krista. I reached down and pulled my baby up onto my chest and cried… tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of thankfulness to God.

He immediately stopped crying once he got to my chest! He was beautiful. He had a head full of blond hair, sweet blue eyes that were the most alert, chubby little face, and such a perfect body.

8lbs 6oz, 21.25 inches long, born at 6:54am on 2/3/2015.

The story continues after I ended up back in the hospital with a 103° fever, but I will save that for a different time…Stay tuned!

…To Be Continued…

I am one month, 2 days and 7 hours into motherhood while writing this…

And let me tell you, I already feel like a “seasoned” mother.

In the last 24 hours, I have been peed on, spit up on, had pee spray on the wall during a diaper change, changed a “blowout”, stayed up into the wee hours of the night with a crying baby, picked baby boogers, walked with other moms, went to a mom group, tried to sooth an inconsolable baby, tried to eat while feeding and spilled tomato sauce on my son’s face, etc. etc. etc. The list can go on and on.

Motherhood takes over your life…

When being admitted to the hospital, they ask you, “how is having this baby going to change your life?” I thought it was a stupid question. I responded with “completely.”

I don’t think I understood the magnitude of ‘completely.’ My life is FOREVER changed by this little man…every second of my life is changed by this little man.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change,” James 1:17, ESV.


Photography by the wonderful Bekah Sonke Creative